Self-Love and the Triangulation of Self
For many years, I have been fascinated by the ancient Greeks and their understanding of love. Long before I became a therapist, I found myself drawn to the idea that love was not a singular experience but rather something that could take many forms. While our modern language tends to use the word "love" as though it means the same thing in every context, the Greeks recognized eight distinct forms of love, each offering something unique to the human experience.
One of those forms was philautia, the love of self.
There was something profoundly validating about discovering that the Greeks considered self-love worthy of its own category. It was not viewed as selfishness or vanity. It was not positioned beneath romantic love or friendship. Rather, it was understood as an important and necessary form of love in its own right.
At the time, I don't think I fully appreciated the significance of that idea because, if I'm being honest, self-love was something I struggled to understand for much of my life. Like many people, I initially understood self-love through the lens of appearance, achievement, and external validation. It felt connected to how I looked, how others perceived me, whether I felt accepted, desired, successful, or enough. It seemed like something that existed outside of me, dependent upon circumstances that could change at any moment. However, as I've gotten older, my understanding of self-love has shifted. It has become less about how I am perceived and more about how I relate to myself.
This evolution was unexpectedly deepened during my recent trip to Halifax for the 2026 Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association (CCPA) Conference. Like most people attending a conference, I expected to learn. What I didn't anticipate was the depth of connection I would experience.
Throughout the conference, I had the opportunity to connect with therapists from across the country, including two of whom identified as polyamorous and shared similar values, perspectives, and curiosities about relationships, identity, and human connection. The conversations were authentic and deeply meaningful; there was a sense of understanding that emerged quickly, the kind that sometimes happens when you find yourself in the company of people who speak a similar language, not necessarily in words, but in worldview.
As I reflected on those experiences afterward, I found myself thinking about love again. Not romantic love. Not sexual love. Simply love. It reminded me how often we attempt to place love into a single container, when in reality, it is much more expansive. We speak about love as though it belongs exclusively to romance or sexuality, yet some of the most meaningful experiences of love in our lives emerge through friendship, community, family, shared purpose, and genuine human connection.
The Triangulation of Self
It was against the backdrop of the CCPA conference that I found myself standing in front of a poster presentation by counsellor Mark Zhang titled The Triangulation of Self. The framework explored three interconnected concepts: self-compassion, self-forgiveness, and self-affirmation. According to the model, each of these influences the others in an ongoing feedback loop. Self-compassion strengthens self-forgiveness. Self-forgiveness supports self-affirmation. Self-affirmation increases our capacity for self-compassion. Together, they create a dynamic process that supports healing and growth.
For years, I had been exploring love through the lens of the Greeks. I had spoken publicly about love, researched it, reflected on it, and witnessed its many forms in my work and personal life. Yet in that moment, I realized that what I was looking at was not simply a model of healing; it was a model of self-love.
When we approach ourselves with compassion during moments of struggle, we create the conditions necessary for healing. When we forgive ourselves for our mistakes, we create room for growth. When we affirm our strengths, values, and worth, we reinforce our ability to meet future challenges with kindness rather than criticism. Each process strengthens the others and becomes a pathway back to who we are.
What I find particularly beautiful about this framework is that it acknowledges something many of us learn repeatedly throughout life: growth is rarely linear. Some days, self-compassion comes easily. On other days, forgiveness feels like the greater challenge. Sometimes we simply need to be reminded of our resilience and inherent worth before we can access either one. The Triangulation of Self recognizes that healing can begin at any point, and, as the cycle continues, so too does the relationship we have with ourselves, deepening and evolving throughout our lives.
The longer I sit with this idea, the more I find myself returning to the belief that healing is less about becoming someone new and more about changing the way we relate to ourselves. Perhaps the most meaningful relationships are not built through grand gestures, but through the small choices we make every day to remain present, compassionate, and connected, especially when life feels most challenging.
Warm regards,
Belle Love