Let’s Face It, Stigma is Real

There’s a version of life that society deems “acceptable.” It’s tidy. Predictable. Mono-normative. Heteronormative. It follows a familiar script: love one person, in one way, in one body, with one identity that fits neatly into a checkbox. And for anyone who lives outside of that script, stigma is not theoretical. It’s lived.

If you are queer, transgender, non-binary, polyamorous, kinky, fluid in your identity, or simply unconcerned with fitting into society’s narrow definitions of “normal,” you already know this. Stigma isn’t always loud. Sometimes it shows up as side glances. Awkward silences. People who say they are “accepting,” but struggle when real change is actually required of them. It’s one thing for someone to say they support you in theory; it’s another thing entirely when your truth asks them to shift their language, their expectations, their beliefs, or their behaviour. That’s often where the discomfort shows up. Friends who quietly distance themselves. Loved ones who still misgender you. People who claim to be open-minded, until openness asks something of them personally. And then there are the strangers who feel entitled to opinions about how you love, who you love, or who you are.

And sometimes, stigma is far louder. Criticism. Rejection. Community shame. Social exclusion. Workplace discrimination. Violence. Erasure.

Let’s be honest. Living outside the norm often comes with consequences that people inside the norm never have to think about. And yet, here you are. Still choosing to be yourself. That takes courage.

The Cost of Living Outside the Box

When you live outside what society has labelled as “acceptable,” you pay an invisible tax. You spend extra energy assessing safety. Will I be accepted here? Is it safe to hold my partner’s hand? Is it safe to correct someone’s assumption about my identity? Is it safe to tell the truth right now?

That constant scanning wears on your nervous system. It can lead to hypervigilance, people-pleasing, emotional shutdown, or a chronic sense of being “too much” or “not enough.” Over time, stigma can begin to turn inward. External judgment becomes internal shame. And that’s the most painful part. Because the problem was never who you are. The problem is a world that was never taught how to hold differences with compassion.

You Are Not the Problem

There is nothing wrong with loving more than one person. There is nothing wrong with not being straight. There is nothing wrong with not identifying with the gender you were assigned at birth. There is nothing wrong with your relationship structure, your desires, your identity, or your truth.

What is harmful is being told, directly or indirectly, that your existence is something that needs to be justified. You do not owe anyone a performance of “normal” to earn your right to exist. You do not have to shrink yourself to make other people comfortable. You do not need to explain your identity in a way that makes it easier for someone else to digest. Your authenticity is not up for debate.

When “Acceptance” Has Conditions

One of the most painful forms of stigma isn’t open rejection. It’s conditional acceptance.

It sounds like:
“I knew this from the beginning.”
“I said I was okay with it.”
“I support you.”
… until your authenticity actually asks something of the other person. Until it stretches their comfort. Until your truth stops being theoretical and starts being lived.

I recently received a message from someone who knew from the beginning that I am polyamorous. They said they accepted my way of loving, and I let myself believe that meant I could be fully seen. But when I returned to the parts of my life that existed before them, when I stopped shrinking to be chosen, I was accused of living a “double life.” What cut even deeper was the implication that other budding interests somehow “don’t matter,” and that new connections are disposable, irrelevant, or a threat, simply because they are not understood. The idea that love only counts when it looks familiar, that depth only exists when it is exclusive, and that connection is only real when it is owned are some of the most common and painful stigmas people practicing polyamory face. And for me, that single phrase, “double life,” landed like a knife. Because for so long, I actually did feel like I was hiding parts of myself to survive. I had already done the work of unlearning shame. I had already fought to bring my truth into the light. I had already chosen to live visibly. To be told that my authenticity was now deception did not just hurt: it retraumatized me.

This is what I call tolerance with a leash; nowhere near what I would consider acceptance. And oftentimes, this is how stigma works in real life. Not through open cruelty, but through guilt disguised as concern, control disguised as care, and shame disguised as disappointment…
… and then you begin to question your reality…

The Reality of Judgment

Here’s the part that doesn’t get wrapped in a bow: there will always be people who judge. Even as visibility and education grow, stigma does not disappear overnight. Some people will never understand your way of living. Some will not try. Some will project their fear, their conditioning, their shame, or their unhealed wounds onto you. That does not mean you are doing life wrong. It means you are doing it honestly. And honesty disrupts systems that rely on silence and conformity.

However, today… Today, something happened that reminded me of the other truth.

As I was driving my boys back to their dad’s, I passed under a bridge and saw a crowd standing above the highway. They were holding rainbow flags, polyamory pride signs, and “all are welcome” messages. They were waving at every car with big smiles on their faces. There was joy. There was visibility. There was courage in full colour. And in that moment, I felt it in my body: I AM NOT ALONE. This message could not have come at a more serendipitous time.

And the truth is, none of us who live outside the norm are alone. Even on the days when stigma feels heavy, judgment feels loud, or acceptance feels conditional, there are people everywhere standing in their truth, waving it openly, reminding the rest of us that we belong. That moment didn’t erase the pain; it softened it. And it reminded me why visibility still matters.

How to Stay Grounded in Your Authenticity When Stigma is Loud

Being authentic in a world that does not always celebrate authenticity is not easy. Here are a few grounded ways to protect your truth without hardening your heart:

1. Anchor into your why.

Anchoring into your “why” brings you back to your internal truth. Why do you love the way you love? Why does this identity, relationship structure, or way of being matter to you? Your why doesn't need to be defended in a debate. It is something that lives in your body, your values, your lived experience. When you reconnect with it, you remember that your truth does not need majority approval to be valid.

2. Choose where you explain and where you conserve energy.

Not every question deserves your intimacy. Not every misunderstanding requires education. Sometimes explaining is empowering. Other times it is exhausting. Learning to discern the difference is a form of nervous system protection. You get to decide when you speak, how much you share, and when you simply step back. Boundaries are not avoidance. They are self-respect in action.

3. Find mirrors, not just audiences.

There is a difference between being seen and being watched. An audience may witness you, but a mirror reflects you back with recognition and resonance. Community with people who live outside the norm is not a luxury; it is regulation. You do not need everyone to understand you. You need a few people who truly see you and remind you who you are when the world tries to distort it.

4. Separate curiousity from condemnation.

Some people ask questions because they genuinely want to learn. Others ask questions to assert superiority, discomfort, or control. The energy behind the question tells you everything. You are allowed to engage with curiousity. You are also allowed to opt out of conversations rooted in judgment. You do not have to submit yourself to scrutiny to prove your humanity.

5. Practice embodied grounding after judgment.

Stigma does not live only in the mind. It lands in the body as tightness, collapse, heat, dissociation, or numbness. After moments of judgment or tension, the body needs support to release what it has just carried. Breathwork, Reiki, exercise, stretching, crying, or even stillness can help your nervous system settle. Let the body release what words cannot.

6. Refuse to outsource your self-worth.

If your worth depends on whether others understand you, you will always be at risk of disappearing. Your value does not increase with approval or shrink with rejection. It is not negotiated in conversation. It is not earned through tolerance. Your worth is inherent. When you stop outsourcing it, you reclaim the power that stigma tries to take.

Living Outside the Norm is Not the Same as Being Lost

There is a lie woven into stigma that says if you live differently, you must be confused, rebellious, damaged, or broken. In reality, many people living outside the norm have done more self-reflection than those who follow the default path without question. Choosing an unconventional life often requires deep honesty. It requires confronting fear, conditioning, and inherited shame. It requires asking, “What is actually true for me?” instead of, “What will be easiest for everyone else?”

I think of this as a form of embodied consciousness, not confusion.

You Deserve to Live Out Loud

Say this with me:
I deserve relationships that reflect my truth. I deserve a body that is respected as my own. I deserve a life that feels aligned, not performative.

Stigma may always exist in some form. But shame does not have to live in you. Your authenticity is a return to YOU. And just like those people standing on that bridge today, waving without apology, your existence alone is already a signal to others that they are not alone either.

A Clinical Reflection through a Person-Centred Lens

From a person-centred therapeutic lens, stigma strikes at the core of a person’s sense of worth, safety, and belonging. When someone repeatedly receives the message that who they are is only conditionally accepted, the nervous system learns to protect through shrinking, bracing, hypervigilance, or emotional shutdown. Over time, this can show up as anxiety, depression, people-pleasing, difficulty trusting, and a deep fear of being fully seen.

In person-centred work, healing does not come from fixing or reshaping the self to be more palatable. Healing comes from being met with empathy, congruence, and unconditional positive regard. It comes from having a space where the whole self is welcomed without agenda, where identity does not need to be defended, where truth does not need to be diluted, where the therapeutic relationship itself becomes a corrective emotional experience, a place where authenticity meets safety rather than judgment, and where the nervous system slowly learns that being real does not have to mean being rejected.

If this resonated with you, I want you to know you do not have to carry it alone. If you are curious about what person-centred, integrative therapy could look like for you, I invite you to reach out, explore working together, or simply stay connected through this space.

Warm regards,
Belle Love

Returning to Yourself: Understanding Enmeshment

Enmeshment is a relational pattern that often begins before we have the language to understand what is happening. Many of us grow up in families where emotional closeness is tied to responsibility, hyper-attunement, or the unspoken expectation that we stay available in ways that blur our individuality. As children, we do not interpret this as boundary loss. We interpret it as love, as connection, and as belonging, because those were the models we had.

Over time, these patterns become embodied. They shape how we learn to love, how we respond to emotional tension, and how we interpret distance or independence in others. In this sense, enmeshment is not the absence of love; it is the absence of separateness. And that distinction influences every relationship that follows.

A Clinical Understanding of Enmeshment

Clinically, enmeshment refers to a relational system in which boundaries are diffuse and identities begin to intertwine. Rather than two individuals relating to each other, the relationship functions as a single emotional unit. In these environments, children learn that stability depends on reading others’ moods, anticipating needs, or regulating emotional climates that are not theirs to carry. These patterns teach the nervous system that connection requires emotional fusion. They also teach that independence can feel unfamiliar or unsafe, even when the adult self craves exactly that.

How Enmeshment Manifests in Adulthood

By adulthood, enmeshment can blend so subtly into relational behaviour that it feels like devotion or commitment. It often shows up as noticing a partner’s emotions before our own, sacrificing needs to maintain harmony, or feeling discomfort when a partner seeks autonomy. Space or silence may be interpreted as rejection. Assertiveness may activate internal guilt. These reactions do not come from weakness; they come from a nervous system trained to seek safety through fusion rather than through differentiation.

The Role of People-Pleasing in Enmeshment

For individuals who have learned to people-please, enmeshment becomes even more complex. People-pleasing often begins in childhood as a survival strategy in environments where emotional security depended on keeping others comfortable. As adults, this may appear as over-apologizing, avoiding difficult conversations, anticipating needs before they are expressed, or shifting one’s emotional responses to maintain connection. People-pleasing becomes the behavioural expression of enmeshment. When we try to unlearn these patterns, the instinct to merge can surface quickly and intensely because, historically, it has kept us safe.

How Mono-Normative Narratives Reinforce Enmeshment

Traditional relational narratives often celebrate emotional fusion. Within mono-normativity, closeness is defined by constant access, synchronized routines, shared emotional rhythms, and a belief that partners should intuitively function as a single unit. These expectations make enmeshment feel familiar, even when it is not healthy.

When individuals challenge mono-normative frameworks and begin exploring relationship structures that value autonomy, spaciousness, or slower pacing, enmeshed tendencies often become more noticeable. They are activated not because they align with our adult identity, but because they echo old conditioning about what closeness is supposed to look like.

Life Examples from My Own Journey

In my life, enmeshment does not reflect the current structure. I maintain my own apartment, raise my children through shared custody, and build a life rooted in personal agency and autonomy. I do not rely on a partner for emotional regulation or daily functioning, and the identity I am stepping into is grounded, independent, and aligned with who I am becoming.

Even with this independence, there are moments when the echo of enmeshment resurfaces. These moments do not originate from my values or my present-day reality. They come from earlier conditioning, from emotional templates that were formed long before I had the language to question them. Occasionally, I notice a subtle pull toward predictability or increased closeness, not because my relationship structure requires it and not because fusion aligns with who I am now, but because my body remembers a time when proximity meant safety.

When these echoes arise, the grounded part of me recognizes them as learned patterns rather than current truths. It understands that my independence is not a defence but an intentional and healthy expression of my identity. At the same time, I also acknowledge that the pull toward old, enmeshed ways can create an internal push-and-pull. My nervous system may lean toward familiar patterns even as my adult self moves toward differentiation. This oscillation is part of the rewiring process. It reflects the reality that healing is not linear but a slow integration of new emotional experiences that gradually replace the old.

Why Enmeshment Becomes Louder in Autonomy-Based Relationships

Relationships that contain more natural space, whether created through long-distance, shared custody, slower relationship pacing, or independent living, often bring old enmeshment patterns into clearer view. These structures rely less on physical proximity and more on our capacity for self-regulation. For the adult self, this spaciousness can feel steadying and supportive; for our younger self, this may trigger parts of the nervous system that may not interpret it that way. Space can feel unfamiliar. Periods of silence may be misread as emotional distance. Independence can be interpreted as instability or inconsistency, even when the relationship is secure. The structure of the relationship is not the problem; it is how the nervous system understands that space that determines our emotional response.

When these reactions occur, they do not point to incompatibility. It reflects the intersection between past conditioning and a new relational framework. These moments become opportunities to pause and observe what is happening internally, allowing the present-day self to respond rather than older patterns shaping the interpretation.

Challenges Enmeshment Creates in Nontraditional Structures

In autonomy-based relationships, enmeshment may appear as difficulty regulating emotions during periods of distance, projecting older attachment wounds onto present dynamics, or attempting to manage discomfort through overcommunication. Sometimes it shows up as a loss of focus on personal goals while waiting for relational reassurance. These experiences reflect historical patterns being activated by a new, unfamiliar structure.

A Path Toward Untangling Enmeshment

Healing from enmeshment is about developing differentiation, emotional regulation, and internal security, rather than creating emotional distance. This process involves recognizing where reactions originate, understanding the role of early conditioning, and learning to hold space without assigning meaning to it that is not there.

Effective strategies include:

• bringing awareness to emotional triggers and what activates them

• building internal emotional safety through grounding and self-attunement

• reframing space as neutral rather than symbolic

• strengthening a stable sense of identity independent of relationship roles

• challenging people-pleasing behaviours in small, tolerable steps

• allowing relationships to unfold at a pace aligned with authenticity rather than fear

Closing Thoughts: Enmeshment Can Be Unlearned

Enmeshment is an adaptive response shaped in environments where authenticity feels unsafe and connection is dependent on minimizing parts of ourselves. These patterns were once protective. They helped us survive relationships that required flexibility, vigilance, or emotional sacrifice. And yet, what once kept us safe can later keep us small.

The good news is that enmeshment is not a fixed identity; it is not a personal flaw. It is a pattern, and patterns can be understood, softened, and reworked. With awareness and compassionate self-reflection, we begin to see the distinction between our actual needs and the reactions inherited from our past. With steady internal work, the nervous system learns that autonomy does not threaten connection, and closeness does not require losing ourselves in another person’s emotional landscape.

Healthy relationships are not built through fusion. They do not ask us to dissolve into someone else’s experience or abandon our own. Instead, they grow when two differentiated, grounded individuals meet each other with clarity, choice, and emotional presence. This is where intimacy becomes more honest and connection becomes more sustainable. As we continue untangling enmeshment, we learn that connection deepens when we remain rooted in who we are. From that place, every relationship becomes a conscious, intentional choice that reflects our values rather than our survival strategies.

If you recognize these patterns within yourself, your work is not to pull away from others, but to come home to yourself. Start by noticing your emotional habits with curiousity rather than judgment. Begin strengthening the part of you that can hold your own emotions without collapsing into old roles. Let your relationships become a practice in staying connected to yourself while staying open to others.

Healing begins with a single commitment: I will no longer lose myself to belong. From there, everything starts to shift.

Warm regards,
Belle Love

Ethical Love: How Polyamory Taught Me That Real Love Should Expand, Not Confine

Understanding Compatibility and Difference

Relationships do not rise or fall because two people are the same. They thrive or falter based on the alignment of values and both partners' willingness to respect and understand their differences. Compatibility is not defined by sameness but by the capacity to navigate difference with empathy and curiousity. Some couples can withstand significant disparities in beliefs, desires, or lifestyles, while others fracture under the strain of minor misunderstandings. The true measure of a relationship is not the absence of conflict but the ability to remain connected through it. Love is tested not when everything aligns perfectly; love is tested when differences challenge comfort, and connection persists despite disagreement.

The Role of Flexibility in Connection

In many cases, relationships do not fail because of conflict itself but because of inflexibility. This rigidity is not logistical but emotional and cognitive. It arises when individuals are unable to hold paradox or accept that multiple truths can coexist. My conceptualization of Ethical Love challenges this rigidity by encouraging openness and understanding in the face of difference. It allows space for sentiments such as, "I would not choose that for myself, but I can understand why you would," or even, "I still choose you, even when I do not fully understand you." Ethical love does not seek to erase difference or demand uniformity. Instead, it invites growth through mutual respect, patience, and reflection. It shifts love away from the need for control and toward a willingness to connect through authenticity and acceptance.

From Confinement to Expansion

Like many people, I once understood love through a narrow, socially conditioned lens. I was raised with messages that idealized monogamy as the only stable and mature form of commitment. Love was portrayed as possession, commitment as exclusivity, and devotion as sacrifice. This worldview held that the strength of love was demonstrated by its ability to contain desire and focus attention on a single person. However, through my own experiences with ethical non-monogamy, I came to understand that love, in its healthiest form, does not need to be confined to demonstrate depth. One love gained does not require another to be lost. When rooted in mutual respect, conscious choice, and integrity, love expands rather than contracts.

Introducing the REACH Framework

This understanding led to the creation of what I call the REACH framework—an acronym for Respect, Evolution, Autonomy, Communication, and Honesty. These five principles form the foundation of what I refer to as Ethical Love, a way of relating that honours individuality while cultivating genuine connection. Within REACH, love is not viewed as possession or performance but as a dynamic and evolving force that grows with those who participate in it. Ethical love transcends the boundaries of relationship structure. It can exist within monogamy, non-monogamy, or relationships that defy traditional labels. It is not about how many people one loves, but about the integrity, transparency, and awareness brought into each connection.

Ethical Love and the Development of Trust

At its core, Ethical Love is a practice that builds trust, and trust is the cornerstone of every healthy and enduring relationship. When the principles of REACH are consistently embodied, trust becomes an inevitable outcome. Respect fosters safety. Evolution encourages adaptability and growth. Autonomy reinforces individuality within connection. Communication promotes clarity and understanding. Honesty anchors truth as the foundation of intimacy. Together, these values create the conditions for trust to thrive. Without trust, the success of a relationship is reduced to performance, a fragile choreography of compliance and comfort that lacks authenticity. With trust, however, love becomes a living and breathing force capable of withstanding uncertainty, evolving with change, and deepening through vulnerability. Trust allows love to move beyond static ideals and into the ongoing process of becoming.

Misconceptions About Polyamory

Despite a growing cultural awareness of diverse relationship structures, ethical non-monogamy and polyamory remain widely misunderstood. Many assume that polyamory is motivated purely by sexual desire, yet this assumption oversimplifies a complex and intentional relational philosophy. To claim that polyamory is about sex is as inaccurate as saying monogamy is about practicality or tax benefits. When practiced ethically, polyamory requires emotional literacy, consistent communication, and a deep commitment to self-awareness. Others assert that polyamorous individuals avoid commitment, when in reality, these relationships often demand greater accountability. They require ongoing dialogue, personal reflection, and responsibility for one's emotional impact on others. Jealousy is also frequently cited as a challenge unique to non-monogamy, but jealousy exists in every form of relationship. The distinction lies in how it is addressed. Ethical love does not seek to deny or suppress jealousy. Instead, it treats it as an opportunity to examine underlying needs, boundaries, and insecurities with compassion and honesty.

Self-Inquiry and Ethical Awareness

Practicing Ethical Love requires a willingness to engage in continuous self-inquiry. This process begins with introspective questions that invite honesty and growth. Am I loved for who I truly am, or for who I become to maintain peace? Do I feel safe expressing my evolving self, or do I shrink to be accepted? Are our differences met with curiousity or contempt? Does this relationship support my growth, or only my compliance? When I imagine my future, does this love expand me or confine me? These questions are not meant to create division but to reveal the truth. They highlight where fear, social conditioning, or habit may have replaced authenticity. Love that cannot hold truth will inevitably collapse under the weight of denial. Ethical love invites both partners to approach self-exploration as an act of devotion rather than defiance.

Choosing Awareness Over Autopilot

Ultimately, choosing Ethical Love is not about choosing between polyamory and monogamy. It is about choosing awareness over autopilot, truth over comfort, and connection over control. Love should not be measured solely by endurance but by expansion, by whether it encourages honesty, vitality, and personal wholeness. Sometimes love asks us to stay and grow. Sometimes it asks us to release with grace. And sometimes it asks us to evolve together. To seek love that is honest, spacious, and real is not asking for too much; it is simply refusing to settle for love that depends on silence or self-abandonment.

Conclusion: Love as Transformation

When practiced through the REACH framework, love becomes both an act of trust and an expression of freedom. It transcends societal expectations and begins to reflect the authentic nature of human connection. Ethical love does not seek to restrict or possess but to expand and elevate. It reminds us that love, at its most genuine, is not something that binds us in limitation but something that frees us into greater awareness, compassion, and self-understanding. When love is ethical, it does not merely connect us. It transforms us.

Warm Regards,
Belle Love

Beyond Mono-Normativity: How Stigma Creeps into Our Relationships

The Relationship Script We All Inherited

I am writing this from lived experience, especially from navigating relationship structures we were never taught to understand or even imagine. Anything beyond mono-normativity tends to live in the shadows of "other," "risky," or "just a phase."

We were given a script: you meet someone, you date, you define it with a label like boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner, then exclusivity happens, you move in together, get engaged, maybe get married, buy a home, have kids, and follow the classic relationship escalator straight into the traditional relationship archetype reflective of the so-called “American dream”.

Wait. What? Hold on a minute. That American dream does not hold up the way it used to. Relationships within this context were rooted in a very specific template: one man and one woman, with clearly assigned gender roles. He went to work and provided for the family. She stayed home, took care of the children, and held the household together. Today, relationships exist across an entire spectrum of gender identities, orientations, family structures, roles, and commitments. Women work. Men stay home. Both partners work. Queer and trans families exist openly. Sometimes more than one partner is involved. The structure is no longer one-size-fits-all. So, if identity, financial roles, autonomy, and partnership have evolved, why do we still cling to the idea that love should only look one way?

For me, this was not about rebelling. It was about unlearning. Not a fight, but an awakening. It took years of research, writing, reading, community connection, personal experience, and healing to deprogram the old beliefs and integrate new ones into my psyche.

Ok, to the point, you say. I am talking about ethical non-monogamy (ENM), academically known as consensual non-monogamy (CNM), which can take the form of polyamory, open relationships, swinging, and relationship anarchy. Most people who live this way do not emphasize the word ethical; they call it non-monogamy because the ethics are built into how it functions: consent, communication, care, clarity, and respect. And if someone like me, fully immersed in the research, the lived experience, and the academic exploration, still needed time to fully integrate this shift, of course it would be overwhelming for someone who has only ever known the monogamous template! But that does not mean that someone raised in monogamy is incapable of understanding it. It just means their starting point is different. Their framework for love was shaped by a model that centres on possession, certainty, and prescribed milestones. When something challenges that script, it is not just the relationship structure that feels threatened; it is their sense of identity, security, and what they believe love is supposed to look like.

When Concern Becomes Stigma

Stigma does not always show up as judgment or rejection. More often, it arrives disguised as worry, politeness, confusion, or commentary that feels supportive on the surface but carries a sting underneath.

I came out of a long-term monogamous marriage, the classic kind we were all told was the pinnacle of love. I genuinely believed I had found my soulmate. We followed the script, hit all the markers, and for a long time, I thought that meant we were meant to last forever. Until one day, I realized we were not soulmates in the way I believed. That realization cracked the illusion wide open, and with it, the entire framework I had attached my identity to.

So, when I eventually stepped into non-monogamy, it was not because I was lost or broken. It was because something in me finally had space to wake up. But the world around me did not see it that way. I once had someone tell me they were "concerned" and assumed polyamory was just a phase I was going through after the end of my marriage. At the time, I absorbed it quietly because I did not yet have the confidence or language I have now.

Later, when I entered a new relationship that appeared monogamous from the outside, I was congratulated for “getting through that time” in my life. As if my relational identity had been a breakdown I needed to recover from. And, if I am being honest, I internalized that message for a while. I tried to believe I had finally landed in the place everyone said was the goal. When I met him, I entered openly. I was clear about my polyamorous nature and my values. But slowly, without realizing it, I began slipping back into the monogamous mould. Not because I chose it, but because traditional expectations have a way of filling in the silence. Assumptions become rules. Rules become standards. And standards become prisons when you never actually consented to them.

Over time, the silence inside me got louder. What started as discomfort became a scream. That familiar trapped sensation crept back in. I remembered the work I had done to dismantle old beliefs and reclaim my truth. I tried to explain it to the partner I deeply loved, but he could not see it. Not because he lacked care, but because his understanding of love was built on scarcity, fear, and the monogamous script. Eventually, it turned into an ultimatum. And there I was again, facing a question I never thought I would return to: do I choose myself, or do I choose love in the way I was taught it is supposed to look?

That is what stigma does. It does not always slam the door. It nudges you back into it. It convinces you that shrinking is safer than expansion. It makes you question your worth, your desires, and even your sanity. It tells you to be grateful for what you have, even if part of you is quietly suffocating. It tells you that wanting more connection or more honesty is a threat, a flaw, or proof that you are unstable.

And slowly, you begin to unravel inside your own life.

How Shame and Identity Conflict Form

Shame does not introduce itself directly. It does not say "I am here to silence you." It hides behind hesitation and self-doubt. Sometimes it shows up as compliance. Or silence. Or through explaining too much, minimizing, or apologizing for who you are. My goodness, I’ve caught myself saying sorry so many times, for being… well, me.

Psychologically, shame lives at the intersection of identity and anticipated rejection. You do not even need someone to openly judge you. All it takes is enough cues that who you are will not be accepted, supported, or understood. And when your inner truth collides with the script you were taught, enter IDENTITY CONFLICT.

You start negotiating with yourself:

Maybe this part of me can stay quiet.
Maybe this is something I can grow out of.
Maybe sacrificing this part of my identity is what real love looks like.
Maybe my desires are the problem.

Have you heard of cognitive dissonance? Simplified, it creates an utter cloud of confusion. Your internal truth and your inherited conditioning are in conflict, and your nervous system tries to make them coexist. It can be mentally draining! Even people who are educated, self-aware, and fully immersed in the work can find themselves slipping into old roles. That does not make the identity less real. It shows how strong cultural pressure is when you stop actively resisting it.

When Safety and Possession Are Mistaken for Love

We are taught that love equals exclusivity. That safety comes from ownership. That devotion is proven through restriction. We internalize the belief that wanting more love, more connection, or more autonomy means something is broken.

Common beliefs sound like:

If someone really loves you, they will not want anyone else
If you need more than one relationship, you must be lacking something
If you are open to connection with others, it threatens what already exists

These ideas did not appear out of nowhere. They come from religious systems, patriarchal history, economic survival models, and cultural narratives rooted in ownership. Marriage used to be more about property and lineage than romance or mutual growth. So, when someone expresses a non-monogamous identity with intention and care, it is not just confusing to others; it is also empowering. It threatens a template they were taught to protect, and that’s when concern becomes a mask for control, with sentences that sound like:

I do not want you to get hurt.
All they will do is objectify you. You’re worth more than that.
Are you sure this is not a trauma response?
I give you everything. Isn’t that enough?

People mistake fear for love, and possession for safety. It is not always malicious. Most of the time, it comes from conditioning, not cruelty. And I’d like to offer you an alternative perspective:

Wanting freedom in connection is not recklessness.
Desiring more than one kind of relational intimacy is not immaturity.
Refusing to shrink your heart to fit an old model is not a sign of instability.

It is awareness. It is autonomy. It is love without fear, fencing it in.

No One-Size-Fits-All Way to Love

There is no single relationship style that holds the moral high ground. Monogamy is not the gold standard. Polyamory is not the rebellion. Open relationships are not reckless. Relationship anarchy is not chaos. These are simply different ways that people love, connect, and build meaning in their lives.

There is no inherent right or wrong. What matters is alignment. What matters is whether the structure you live in supports your values, your nervous system, your growth, and your truth. We are living in a time where love and connection can take many forms, and that is not something to fear. It is something to explore with awareness and integrity. The structure itself does not create a healthy relationship. The values underneath it do.

For me, those values became clear through what I now call the REACH Framework: Respect, Evolution, Autonomy, Communication, and Honesty. This framework did not come from thin air. It came from years of personal experience, academic research, peer-reviewed sources, books, and conversations across communities.

REACH is not a rulebook. It is a foundation you can return to, no matter what kind of relationship you are in.

Respect
Am I honouring the person I am in connection with, and am I honouring myself in the process?

Evolution
Are we growing, learning, and staying open to change together, rather than fearing it?

Autonomy
Are we allowing each other to be whole humans, not extensions of ownership or expectation?

Communication
Are we being clear, direct, and intentional about our agreements, desires, and needs?

Honesty
Are we telling the truth to ourselves and each other, knowing that trust cannot exist without it?

Other people may create their own version of this, and that is perfectly valid. What matters is being conscious of how you show up in relationships and whether your values align with how you are living.

If you are questioning your identity, feeling conflicted about your relationship structure, sensing tension between who you are and what you were taught to want, or feeling lost, silenced, unsure, or ashamed for wanting something different, you are not alone. There is room to explore these feelings without judgment. This is the work I care deeply about, and these are the conversations I hold space for.

If this speaks to your experience, you are welcome to connect with me and begin that conversation.

Warm regards,
Belle Love

Keeping Your Sh*t Together in a Crisis

Let’s be real, the things we call “emergencies” here in Canada don’t always compare to the devastation happening around the world. Perspective matters. But that doesn’t mean our bodies don’t react when something goes sideways at 4:30 in the morning. A crisis is still a crisis when it’s happening in your living room.

And that’s exactly how my day started.

I woke up at 4:30 a.m. to the sound of running water. I sleep with my door closed and a fan on, so for it to pull me out of sleep, it had to be loud. At first, I just sat there, trying to figure out if I was dreaming, but something in me knew it wasn’t right.  Did I leave a faucet on last night? No, I would have heard that before bed. What is going on? I walked into my living room and saw water pouring out of the ceiling, literally funnelling through a light fixture and seeping through cracks above me. Both couches were soaked. The carpet was saturated. Clothes were wet. There was a puddle, inches deep, spreading across the floor, and the water wasn’t stopping.

When my kids aren’t with me, I live alone. And while I’ve faced a lot of shit in life, I’ve never had this kind of crisis without someone else right there to help me figure it out. When I was married, emergencies were handled as a team, or at least with another set of hands. This was different. It was me, half-asleep, staring at my ceiling while it rained indoors.

My first thought wasn’t profound. It was basically: What the actual fuck is happening? But right after that, instinct kicked in. Not panic, but problem-solving. Which, for the record, is not my lifelong default. I’ve had to train myself to respond differently. Years of using and teaching cognitive behavioural tools have reshaped the way I move through hard things.

I remembered that the maintenance guy who lives across the street told me once to call him directly in emergencies. So, at 4:30 a.m., I did. And bless this man, he answered and came over immediately. At first, we thought a pipe had burst. He shut off the water to the building, but the leak kept going. He went upstairs to check my neighbours’ unit, and that’s when we found the source:

Their 70-gallon fish tank had emptied, ALL OF IT, and the water had drained straight into my apartment.

Not only was it water, it was bright orange fish water. It was pouring from my ceiling, soaking into carpets and furniture, saturating clothes, and turning my cute, Bath & Body Works scented apartment into something that smelled like a pet store. Everything soft in the room was disgusting. Even now, after the water has stopped, the smell is still lingering.

This is where mindset matters.

What Keeping It Together Actually Looks Like

Over the years, I’ve trained myself to look for silver linings even in the middle of chaos. It is not toxic positivity. It is survival. And it showed up immediately. One of my first thoughts was, at least I do not have any clients booked today. I did not have to scramble, cancel sessions, or pretend everything was fine on camera. My next thought was, thank God my kids are not here right now. I normally pick them up on Thursday nights. If they were here, this would have been a completely different situation; I do not need two little ones stepping in orange aquarium runoff at dawn.

Once again. Perspective: silver linings do not erase the problem; they simply stop me from collapsing under it. I reminded myself: I can’t stop water that’s already falling. I can only do the next necessary thing. So instead of panicking, I went step by step.

Control the controllables

• I couldn’t stop the ceiling from leaking; I could move my furniture.

• I couldn’t dry the room instantly; I could grab buckets.

• I couldn’t fix what caused it; I could call the person who could.

We got a wet vac. We brought in fans. I pulled soaked items out of the room. I opened doors. I made piles of what was ruined. And the whole time, I could feel the old wiring in my head wanting to catastrophize: Why does this happen to me? Their insurance better cover it. I can’t deal with this today.

But I didn’t let that narrative run. That’s where CBT makes the difference, not in theory, but in the moment the nervous system wants to take you down. I swapped the thoughts out with ones that were more useful:

• I’ve handled worse.

• This is gross and inconvenient, not life-ending.

• I don’t need to solve everything right now, just the next thing.

I allowed myself to stay in the moment, as calm as I could be to remain functional, but still pissed off and annoyed af on the inside. Breathe. Just breathe.

The Bigger Picture

Here’s the thing: yes, this is a “first-world crisis.” No one was harmed. There’s no medical emergency. The world is literally on fire in places, and my ceiling issue doesn’t compare. But the nervous system doesn’t wait for global context to decide if something is overwhelming. Trauma responses don’t check the news first. When water is pouring from your ceiling before sunrise and your home suddenly feels unsafe, your body reacts. My perspective and capacity to implement cognitive behavioural tools didn’t erase my experience, but it sure as hell helped me move through it with a bit more humility and grace.

What This Taught Me, Again

• You don’t have to feel calm to act effectively.

• Logic can be louder than panic if you practice it enough.

• Asking for help doesn’t make you incapable.

• Problem-solving is a skill, not a personality trait.

• Crisis capacity is built, not something you’re magically born with.

• Silver linings are anchors, not delusions.

And honestly? I impressed myself. Not because I loved being ankle-deep in fish water before dawn, but because I handled it without spiralling. I didn’t collapse. I didn’t shut down. I did what needed to be done.

Final Thoughts

Whether it’s a flooded living room, a breakup, a job loss, a diagnosis, or a sudden life curveball, the process is the same:

Pause.
Assess.
Act.
Reframe.
Breathe.
Repeat.

And, remember: If you’ve ever had to hold yourself together while everything around you felt like it was falling apart, you’re not alone. Resilience isn’t built by avoiding crisis. It forms in the moments we face what life throws at us. You don’t have to navigate any of it alone. If you're moving through something hard or still feeling the ripple effects of what already happened, reach out. Support is allowed before, during, and after the storm.

Warm regards,
Belle Love

The Power of Connection: Exploring Self, Relationships, and Community

Connection is one of those things we all feel deep down but can often struggle to put into words. It appears in those moments when your entire body exhales, when laughter feels effortless, or when you feel truly seen by another person. That is the power of connection; it can soften us, steady us, and remind us that we are not alone.

Self-Connection: The Starting Point

Before we can genuinely connect with others, we must learn how to turn inward. For me, that often means slowing down in the morning and asking, What do I need today? Sometimes the answer is rest. Sometimes it is movement and tackling that long list of to-dos. Sometimes it is simply permission to just be, and flow with the energy of the day. Self-connection is about listening closely to the cues our body and heart give us and allowing those signals to matter. When we practice this kind of self-awareness, it becomes easier to show up authentically with others, laying the groundwork for connection to grow.

Connection With Others: Where Intimacy Can Grow

Relationships are where connection becomes alive. They are not about always getting along or living in constant harmony. They are about honesty, trust, and the courage to be real even when it feels uncertain. When we allow ourselves to show up authentically with another person, intimacy begins to take shape. It is often in those imperfect, messy, vulnerable moments that connection deepens. The power of connection in relationships lies in the willingness to be seen as we truly are.

Connection Through Participation in Community

Some of the deepest connections in my life came through the rave scene, not because of the scene itself, but because of the people who stood beside me in those spaces. In the early days, the energy felt raw and real. We danced together, supported each other, and in my case, created friendships that have lasted more than twenty years.

The true gift was not just the environment, but the bonds that formed among people who showed up with openness and authenticity, thanks to it. Many of my closest friends today are people I first met on the dance floor. Those friendships have carried forward through every stage of life, reminding me that when authenticity is welcomed, connection can last.

Subcultures like this often create conditions where people feel free to be themselves, and it’s in that freedom that friendships grow and a sense of belonging takes root. For me, this has been the power of connection on a community level; a shared heartbeat between people dancing side by side.

A Closing Reflection

Connection shifts and changes. Sometimes it is steady, sometimes it is fleeting, but it is always possible to find it in some form. Whether it begins within ourselves, with someone we love, or in communities that allow us to be real, connection reminds us of what it means to be human together.

Much of the work I do with clients stems from a longing for connection. So, today, I encourage you to take a quiet moment to ask yourself:

• Where do I feel the strongest connection in my life at the moment?

• Where might I welcome more?

• And how does showing up as my authentic self reflect the type of connection that my heart longs for?

If any of these questions feel challenging to answer, as always, I am here to support.

Warm regards,
Belle Love

Part 2: Shadow Work for People Living Beyond the Norm

From Poly-Affirming Therapy to Shadow Work

In Part 1, I explored how finding a poly-affirming therapist matters for people in ethically non-monogamous (ENM) and relationship-diverse communities. Many of my clients in ENM relationships tell me that while being affirmed is crucial, there is a deeper layer of work: learning to accept all parts of themselves, even those they feel pressure to keep hidden.

This is where shadow work becomes important. The shadow self, a concept from Jungian psychology, refers to the parts of ourselves we repress, deny, or keep quiet because they were labelled as too much, not enough, or wrong. Shadows can show up as jealousy, anger, or fear, but they also include joy, sensuality, creativity, or intuition.

For people in ENM relationships, these shadows often take the form of internalized stigma, shame, or the belief that their desires for love and connection are selfish or abnormal. But ENM is not the only community where this dynamic unfolds. Another vivid example of a shadow culture is the rave and festival scene.

Why Rave and Festival Culture Belongs in Shadow Work

Like ENM, rave and festival culture exists on the edge of mainstream acceptance. Outsiders may see only hedonism, chaos, or escapism. Insiders know these spaces differently: as communities of belonging, freedom, and transcendence.

On the dance floor, people often express sides of themselves that feel unsafe or judged in daily life. Joy, playfulness, sensuality, altered states of awareness, and deep vulnerability often find expression in these environments. When returning to everyday routines, those same parts can slip back into the shadows, leaving people feeling fragmented or ashamed of their most authentic expressions.

Shadow work helps bridge that gap. It creates space to explore questions such as:

• What parts of me come alive in festival spaces?

• What do I silence when I step back into daily routines?

• What would it mean to carry those authentic parts with me everywhere?

The Benefits of Shadow Integration

Clients who explore their shadow through therapy often discover:

• Emotional clarity – Understanding where emotional reactions and shame cycles come from

• Authentic relating – Reducing projection and building deeper trust in polycules or partnerships

• Self-trust – Reclaiming intuition, sensuality, or assertiveness once suppressed

• Identity integration – Supporting transformation during major life shifts, from grief to postpartum to personal awakening

From my own lived experience as a single mother, trauma survivor, and someone who has spent decades immersed in rave and festival culture, I know these spaces can hold both the light and the dark. Shadow work is not about erasing these contrasts but about integrating them to live with more resilience and self-compassion.

How I Bring Shadow Work into Poly-Affirming Therapy

At Belle Love Integrative Therapy, shadow integration is a key component of my support for clients who live outside the norm, whether in ENM relationships, rave/festival culture, or both. My approach combines:

• Somatic grounding to stay embodied during emotional exploration

• Existential dialogue to unpack meaning, purpose, and identity

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to strengthen relational bonds

• CBT and Solution-Focused tools to create structure and actionable steps

• Creative practices such as journaling, dream tracking, or reflecting on music and movement experiences

The Shadow Is Not the Enemy

Just as festival spaces hold both dazzling lights and deep bass, shadow work teaches us to embrace both our luminous and hidden parts. For those in ENM relationships or immersed in rave culture, the shadow is not a flaw. It is a vital part of authenticity. You are not broken. You are multifaceted, evolving, and worthy of healing that honours all of who you are.

If you missed it, start with Part 1: How to Find a Poly-Affirming Therapist Who Truly Gets You to learn how to choose an affirming therapeutic fit.

FAQs: Shadow Work, ENM, and Festival Culture

Q1: What is shadow work in therapy?
It is the practice of exploring and integrating the parts of yourself you have hidden, denied, or repressed due to judgment or stigma.

Q2: How does shadow work connect to ENM and rave culture?
Both ENM and rave/festival culture are often misunderstood by mainstream society. Shadow work helps people in these communities integrate joy, love, freedom, or creativity without shame.

Q3: Is shadow work only for people in alternative communities?
No. Shadow work can benefit anyone, but it is especially powerful for those in communities living beyond the norm.

Q4: What techniques support shadow integration?
Therapists may use somatic grounding, EFT, existential dialogue, CBT, solution-focused practices, and creative methods such as journaling or music reflection. At Belle Love, I use a person-centred frame as the foundation, which means your experiences and values guide the process. I integrate structured tools when helpful, but always return to empathy, authenticity, and unconditional positive regard as the core. This creates space for you to safely explore hidden parts of yourself while staying grounded in your own autonomy and truth.

Suppose you are ready to explore your shadow self and integrate the parts that come alive in festival spaces or alternative relationships. In that case, I’d be honoured to walk alongside you on your journey.

Warm regards,
Belle Love

Part 1: How to Find a Poly-Affirming or ENM-Friendly Therapist

Why Poly-Affirming or ENM-Friendly Therapy Matters

Research consistently shows that ethically non-monogamous (ENM) clients often face bias in healthcare and mental health settings. Moreover, non-monogamy is frequently viewed as pathological, framed as a symptom of other issues, or treated as a problem to be “fixed,” which can lead providers to implicitly or explicitly promote monogamy as the ideal. Many polyamorous and non-monogamous clients report being misunderstood, pressured to conform to monogamous norms, or met with moral judgment from therapists and medical providers.

Because of this anticipated stigma, many people choose not to share their relationship structures in medical or therapeutic contexts. This can result in essential details being left out of conversations, which may limit the quality of care they receive. This pattern mirrors broader health disparities experienced by other sexual minorities and highlights the urgent need for better training and affirming practices when working with relationship-diverse populations.

I have experienced this bias myself, sitting across from professionals who could not separate my relationship structure from the idea of dysfunction, meaning they assumed it was inherently unhealthy. That experience led me to want to offer something different, therapy where you don’t have to defend who you are before you can begin to work toward your goals. A poly-affirming therapist accepts your relationship model as valid from the start. This can create the freedom to focus on what matters to you, whether that is building communication skills, navigating boundaries, processing conflict, or deepening self-connection.

In my practice at Belle Love Integrative Therapy, I work with individuals, couples, and multipartner relationships within diverse structures, including solo poly, hierarchical and non-hierarchical polyamory, and open relationships, as well as those adhering to traditional monogamy. No matter what your relationship archetype, my approach is guided by years of research, training, and lived experience culminating in what I have coined the REACH framework, which stands for Respect, Evolution, Autonomy, Communication, and Honesty. In brief, this framework offers a foundation for cultivating deeper self-awareness, navigating complex relationships, and forming meaningful connections that reflect your authentic values.

How to Find a Poly-Affirming Therapist Who Truly Gets You

Step 1 – Look for Explicit Inclusivity in Your Therapist Search

Check the therapist’s website or profile for direct mentions of polyamory, ENM, or CNM. Explicit inclusivity can be a sign that your relationship model will be treated respectfully.

Step 2 – Seek Lived Experience or Deep Understanding

While not required, therapists connected to or educated about ENM communities may have a more natural understanding of the language, dynamics, and realities of polyamorous life.

Step 3 – Listen to Their Language

A poly-affirming therapist is likely to speak with curiousity, openness, and respect, rather than with pathologizing or clinical detachment.

Step 4 – Ask Key Consultation Questions

Questions such as “Have you worked with ENM clients before?” or “How do you navigate differing values in multipartner therapy?” can help you assess their level of comfort and knowledge.

Step 5 – Notice Red Flags

Be mindful of therapists who avoid the topic, steer you toward monogamy, or show discomfort with ENM terminology. These can be signs that they may not be the best fit for your needs.

Why This Matters for Your Healing

Finding the right therapist is not only about compatibility. It is also about feeling safe, affirmed, and understood so that you can focus your energy on self-exploration and growth.

→ Next: Read Part 2: Shadow Work for People Living Beyond the Norm to learn how integrating your shadow self can help you live and love with greater authenticity.

FAQs: Poly-Affirming Therapy

Q1: What is a poly-affirming therapist?
A poly-affirming therapist is a mental health professional who recognizes polyamory and other ENM relationship styles as valid. They provide support without judgment, pathologizing, or steering clients toward monogamy unless the client chooses that path themselves.

Q2: Why is poly-affirming therapy necessary?
Poly-affirming therapy can help clients focus on the issues they want to address rather than defending their relationship structure. It creates a safe space to work on communication, boundaries, conflict resolution, and self-growth.

Q3: How do I know if a therapist is poly-friendly?
Look for explicit mentions of polyamory, ENM, or CNM on their website or profile. You can also ask direct consultation questions about their experience with polyamorous clients and their understanding of ENM values.

Q4: What are red flags when seeking a poly-affirming therapist?
Red flags can include avoiding conversations about your relationship structure, steering you toward monogamy, showing discomfort with ENM terminology, or assuming your relationship style is unhealthy.

May your path toward healing be filled with clarity and compassion.
If this speaks to you, I would be grateful for the opportunity to support and walk alongside you as your therapist.

Warm regards,
Belle Love

Polyamory, Agápē, and the Therapy Room

As someone who identifies as a solo polyamorist, I see polyamory as more than a relationship structure. It feels like a way of life, a practice of openness, and a recognition that love is abundant. Love does not run out when it is shared. Instead, it expands. This is something I carry not only in my personal relationships but also into my work as a therapist.

Polyamory has taught me how to hold multiple truths and multiple connections with care. In therapy, this shows up as what Carl Rogers described as unconditional positive regard. It is the ability to meet each person with respect and acceptance without judgment. When I sit with clients, I am drawing from the same well of love that guides my polyamorous identity. This love is expansive and rooted in the belief that every person deserves to be seen and supported in becoming fully themselves.

The ancient Greeks called this kind of love agápē. It is a love for humankind, unconditional and selfless. Agápē is not about desire or possession. It is about extending compassion simply because we are human. For me, therapy has become one of the most meaningful ways to live out agápē. It is how I funnel the love I hold in my heart into the greater good, offering it as a resource for healing and growth.

Being both a solo polyamorist and a therapist means embracing complexity while staying connected to something simple and powerful. Love heals. The love I bring into my practice is not meant to replace the love my clients already hold within themselves. It is there to help spark it, so that together we can nurture growth, resilience, and a deeper connection to the self and others.

Warm regards,
Belle Love

Lived Experience: The Dichotomies of Parenthood

In an earlier blog post about the shadow self, I reflected on the light and dark parts we all carry, the sides of ourselves we feel proud to show and the ones we have been taught to hide. This exploration of duality is becoming a thread that runs through my writing and my life. It shows up in my reflections on identity, on ethical non-monogamy, and now, in what I am sharing here: the deeply personal experience of being a parent, and more specifically, a single parent.

Parenthood has been my greatest teacher in holding opposites. Love and struggle often arrive together, and the intensity of parenting can bring both to the surface in the same breath. This is not an abstract concept for me; it is my daily reality. I have always been someone who pours myself fully into the season I am in. When it is time to work, I give everything I have to my commitments, my learning, and my goals. When it is time to play, I immerse myself in joy, connection, and freedom. These shifts have always been part of my rhythm, yet in parenting, they feel magnified. Parenting is love and despair, joy and exhaustion, pride and fear, often all at once. The emotions are sharp and vivid, and they coexist in ways that defy logic yet feel completely human.

In my world, I go from zero to one hundred with my kids. I do not have them, and then I do. When I do, it is just me. The shift is jarring. I go from full autonomy, steering my life, growing my business, and moving through my days on my own terms, to having two small humans who need me for everything. My time, my energy, and my attention. When they are here, I do not choose my own adventures as freely as I do otherwise. Parenting is a constant lesson in living within opposing truths. It is the surrender of control and the discovery of strength. It is the challenge of being fully present for them while not losing sight of myself. It is the reminder that life’s richest experiences often live in the tension between two extremes.

I suspect that, over time, I will continue to share different sides of myself here as a parent, a therapist, and a human being navigating my own complexities. In these stories, whether I am speaking about relationships, identity, or the inner world, there is a common thread. It is the belief that all parts of us, light and shadow, joy and pain, belong in the story of who we are.

Embracing my entirety. Grateful for this dichotomy.

Warm regards,
Belle Love

If you are curious about where this theme began, you may want to read my earlier post, What is the Shadow Self? where I first started exploring the idea that all of our parts, the ones we celebrate and the ones we hide, are worthy of love and belonging

Embracing Solo Polyamory: A Journey of Independence and Connection

In the landscape of modern relationships, solo polyamory stands out as a testament to the beauty of independence, intentionality, and self-love. As someone who embraces this lifestyle, I find deep fulfillment in curating a life that honours my autonomy and preserves space for both intimacy and individuality. Living in my own sanctuary, I balance the responsibilities of parenthood, the rhythm of running a business, and the privilege of nurturing meaningful, diverse connections.

I first heard the term solo polyamory a few years ago, at a time when I was still disentangling myself from patterns of dependency that had defined many of my earlier relationships. Until then, I hadn’t realized there could be a relational framework that allowed me to love deeply without sacrificing myself. The phrase instantly resonated with me. Something in it felt like coming home to a truth I had always known but didn’t have the language for.

Solo polyamory, as I understand and live it, is not about rejecting relationships. It is about redefining them. It offers the freedom to form profound, loving bonds without the expectation of cohabitation, hierarchy, or merging lives in traditional ways. For me, this means being in connection with a lover who lives in another city, while also holding space for the love I cultivate within myself, keeping my heart open to other connections, and cherishing the equally rich bonds I share with friends, family, and my community.

In exploring the nuances of this identity, I have also reflected on what some describe as solo amory, a perspective similar in spirit but distinct in its focus. While solo polyamory acknowledges the possibility of multiple romantic or sexual relationships, solo amory often highlights the choice to remain primarily connected to oneself, sometimes without engaging in external partnerships at all. Both frameworks value autonomy, but solo polyamory celebrates the spectrum of connection, honouring love in its many forms while maintaining a strong sense of self.

Embracing solo polyamory has been a powerful antidote to the codependent patterns that once felt inevitable in my relationships. In my monogamous past, I often lost myself in the pursuit of harmony, absorbing my partner’s needs until I could no longer distinguish them from my own. Solo polyamory taught me that love does not have to mean enmeshment, and that emotional security does not require proximity or possession. It showed me that interdependence can coexist with individuality when rooted in trust and respect.

This path has become more than a relational choice. It is a practice of self-ownership. It has taught me to find comfort in solitude, to listen to my inner voice, and to hold my independence as sacred rather than as a threat to intimacy. The most meaningful relationship I have is, and always will be, the one I cultivate with myself. From that foundation, love flows outward freely, authentically, and without fear.

If my words resonate with you, I invite you to stay connected. Whether you are exploring solo polyamory, embracing your shadow side, or simply seeking more honest relationships, you are welcome here. Feel free to reach out, subscribe, or continue following along as we navigate the beauty of ethical love, one truth at a time.

Warm regards,
Belle Love

What is the “Shadow Self?”

I've lived a life of duality for as long as I can remember. In high school, I was a straight-A student, served on the student council, wrote for the school newspaper, and played sports. Meanwhile, on weekends, I would party, chase boys, and dance at raves. Then do it all over again. In university, the same rhythm continued; ambitious and disciplined during the week, wild and expressive on weekends. I walked between two worlds: one that earned praise and the other that stirred fear and shame. I worried that being fully seen would cost me credibility or connection. So I hid, keeping part of myself a secret from most. My dirty little secret.

As I entered adulthood, I followed the relationship script that was handed to me. I fell in love, got engaged, married, and had children. For a time, I felt a sense of fulfillment. But eventually, I realized that the mould I had conformed to did not reflect my true self, so I chose to unravel it all and, in doing so, discovered new relationship frameworks such as ethical non-monogamy. These structures offered me more freedom, alignment, and authenticity. Once again, though, I found myself navigating spaces that felt misunderstood or judged by the mainstream. Because of these extremes, I have learned to live in the grey, where shadow and light coexist. I have come to see that the parts I once tried to hide were never wrong. They were waiting to be welcomed. My shadow self, the wild, wounded, sensual, and curious parts, were just as worthy of love as the light I offered the world.

This is why I am drawn to people who often feel like outsiders. Not because they are broken, but because they are beautifully complex. I have spent years immersed in communities of lovers, ravers, creatives, caregivers, professionals, and spiritual seekers, many of whom are those I hope to support as a therapist in Toronto. I call them shadow cultures, spaces rich in expression, connection, and embodied truth, yet often stigmatized or misunderstood. Inspired by Carl Jung's theory of the shadow self, my work centers on the belief that the parts we repress, including hedonistic tendencies, sensuality, rage, grief, shame, intensity, and desire, are not to be exiled. These shadow aspects are messengers. They hold unspoken needs, unprocessed pain, and unclaimed power. In therapy, we make space for these hidden parts without judging them; instead, we meet them with compassion and curiousity. This is the heart of my therapeutic practice. Gentle, yet profound. An exploration of love, identity, connection, boundaries, self-worth, and what it means to live an honest life.

As I prepare to open my practice, I envision working with individuals who live, work, or love in spaces that challenge convention. You do not have to over-explain these experiences with me. I understand the nuance. I have walked many of these paths myself and bring lived experience, psychological and sociological research, and therapeutic training into every session. If you are seeking a therapist who speaks your language and views your complexity not as a problem, but as a strength, you are in the right place. I cannot wait to meet you with an open mind and an open heart.

Warm regards,
Belle Love

My path. My purpose.

I didn’t always know where I was going, but I’ve always known there was more.
More to love.
More to connection.
More to identity.
More to this human experience than just surviving.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt things deeply. I’ve stood at the edge of convention, often questioning what others accepted without pause. I’ve experienced the intensity of heartbreak, the weight of shame, the complexity of love, and the quiet ache of disconnection, even in rooms full of people. And I’ve rebuilt, more than once, from those very moments.

My path has never been linear. I’ve danced in the subcultures, stood inside systems, broken free from boxes, and followed a call that most couldn’t quite understand. Every step has led me here.
From studying deviance in books to studying deviance on dancefloors.
From managing fitness facilities to managing nap schedules and midnight feeds.
From Reiki tables to therapy rooms.
And here…
…well, here is precisely where I’m meant to be.

My purpose is simple:
To be a light.
To walk with people through the dark.
To help them remember who they are, beyond the noise, beyond the shame, beyond the roles they’ve outgrown.

I believe that love is boundless, healing is possible, and authenticity is our greatest power. I hold space for those navigating love and identity on their own terms. For the seekers, the outsiders, the overthinkers, the overfeelers. For those who’ve been told they were “too much” or “not enough.” For those redefining themselves after parenthood, divorce, trauma, or transition.

This isn’t just therapy. It’s soul work.
It’s truth work.
It’s a remembering.
And with my whole heart, I'm here for it.

Welcome to Belle Love Integrative Therapy.
Welcome to the journey home to yourself.